A moment of ungrace

Just a few moments ago, I felt a moment of ungrace as I sat near the piano eating by myself.
I was angry at people. I won't deny that I even thought about the word 'hate'. I 'hated' people who have somehow or rather hurt me. I felt that I've been 'betrayed' by these people.

I felt as if all these while whatever I've been doing have all gone to waste. Useless. Meaningless. Self inflicted. When I mean all these while, I meant years. Years of persuasion, encouragement, pushing, enforcing... meaningless to these people. After all the hardwork I put in, the time I spent, the things I spent on... wasted. Nobody appreciated it. Worst, they turn a deaf ear. They won't listen, they won't budge, they don't care.

A moment of ungrace. How ironic that I just finished reading a book on grace and this opposite feeling just crept into my soul and spoke unpleasant words to me just awhile ago. My first test of grace. Even a child wouldn't want to come and talk to me. For that moment, I felt so alone, so by myself, and all I could turn to was my unread blog. I could throw all my feelings of 'hatred' in this blog
and nobody would dare say. Years and years of encouragement, all end up ignored.

I constantly cry out, "God, I need grace desperately although I don't feel like it. So many times, God, I feel like giving up... giving up my duty, my responsibility, giving up telling them, encouraging them... and it is as if I'm forcing them. It's tiring, saddening, frustrating and depressing to remind them each time.

What else, God, can I do to make them listen to me? Because of this, I've had made sacrifices on other things which are equally as important. Due to obedience, I did it. Due to the fact that I didn't want to give up on them, I did it. Because of You, God, I did it. Because of what I believe You can do, I did it. For their sake, I did it."

Each day, I've been taught to look at the world through 'grace-tinted lenses'. Not easy, but that is what God wants. That is and was how Jesus looked at the world when He was on earth.

Although I know they won't listen, I know that my effort won't go to waste. God has a purpose for me. I know He has. I know there is still hope for some of them. One day, they will know that it is for their own good. I know they will. I would be more than happy even if only one of them came back. I would.

Like my lecturer once said, "We cannot save everybody. We can only save those who save themselves."